You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
