If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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