I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
