so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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