just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
