You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
