Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
