apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize