When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
