also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
3 2 1 whiskey
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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