I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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