Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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