I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
