he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
