i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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