Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
