Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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