i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
