The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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