I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
