hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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