Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
