Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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