i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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