Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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