We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
