his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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