The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
