I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
