Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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