i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
