may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
