Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
