remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
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