i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
