I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
