Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize