3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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