then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
