Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
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