I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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