very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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