He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
