My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
