I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
