I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
