There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
