Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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