it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
