Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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