I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
