I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
