I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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