this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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