Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
