I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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