i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
