You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize