respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
