I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
