I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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