She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
