Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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