my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
