it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
