accomplished twins. life is a go
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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