he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
